Sexuality & Nonduality: My Journey With 5-MeO-DMT, Part Two

Part Two: Integrating The Infinite

In the wake of my transformative Bufo journey—an experience I detailed in Part One of this series—I found myself grappling with an unexpected revelation. While many seek the profound ego dissolution that 5-MeO-DMT promises, few achieve the "full release" I had encountered. Intrigued by this disparity, I turned to my close friend Gracie, a psychedelic therapist with a background in tantric sex work, to unravel the mystery. Why had I been able to "go all the way" into a non-dual state when others, despite ingesting the "full dose," often cling to their body and identity? As we delved into this inquiry, I realized that my journey was far from over—it was, in fact, just beginning.

Gracie's response was as insightful as it was unexpected. "I've noticed a fascinating pattern," she began, her green eyes alight with enthusiasm. "People who are more sexually open tend to go deeper into these identity-dissolving medicine journeys. And interestingly, the reverse is also true—often after people take these medicine journeys, they later become more sexually open. There's a real, tangible connection there."

Gracie's observation resonated deeply, sparking a cascade of reflections. I found myself pondering this question: Is letting go in sex essentially the same as letting go in death? The French phrase la petite mort—'the little death'—suddenly took on new significance. This slang for orgasm, referring to the momentary loss of consciousness during climax, seemed to echo the ego dissolution I'd experienced in my Bufo journey.

As I looked further into this connection, my past experiences came into focus. Years of training as a dakini (sexual healer), attending countless tantra workshops, and participating in conscious sex parties had immersed me in environments that fostered sexual openness and free expression. This journey wasn't just about physical intimacy; it was a process of shedding layers of "self" to liberate my erotic essence.

Now, in light of Gracie's insight, I saw these experiences in a new way. The practice of letting go during sexual experiences—surrendering to pleasure, transcending self-consciousness—seemed to parallel the surrender required for ego death in psychedelic journeys. My sexual openness hadn't just been about personal growth or pleasure; it had been unconsciously preparing me for the profound ego dissolution I experienced with Bufo.

This realization opened up new avenues of thought. If sexual openness could prepare one for ego death, could the reverse also be true? Could profound psychedelic experiences lead to greater sexual liberation? The interconnectedness of these experiences seemed to hint at deeper truths about consciousness, identity, and the nature of self.

Over the next few weeks I met with a psychedelic integration expert for several coaching sessions. My mind was still exploding with awe at what I had experienced in my bufo ceremony. I was particularly fascinated with nonduality. It occurred to me that before my journey, non duality was something I had understood conceptually. But during my bufo journey, I had a true experience of nonduality. For the first time in my life, I had a reference point of a nondual experience. Could this state be accessed in lovemaking, too, I wondered?

Each time I made love, I went searching for this feeling of oneness again, and I quickly came to the conclusion that sex is one of the best places to find it. But just like with bufo, I needed to let go to get there. I had to welcome a dissolution of identity, stories, and narratives. I had to peel back the layers of overthinking, emotions, physical bodies, fears. If I wanted to achieve a state of nonduality in sex, I had to surrender everything in the way of it, and tune into subtler energetic frequencies. 

It's been enriching to share this contemplation with my clients. Recently, I met Perry, a successful executive seeking my services after years of traditional coaching. Unlike his previous experiences focused on mental patterns, Perry was drawn to tantra's emphasis on physicality and sexuality. He was looking for someone with whom he could explore more deeply into this inquiry. After a leisurely lunch together, we moved to Perry’s hotel room. As we began a conscious conversation to create an intentional sensual experience, Perry shared a beautiful insight:

“I sense that sensual pleasure is infinite. I want to tap into its infinite nature.” 

My body tingling, I flashbacked to my experience of the infinite, nondual state with Bufo, and told him:

“I’ve experienced infinity before. Not a concept of it, but the actual thing. I’ve become infinity before. It’s astonishingly beautiful and terrifying. I suppose it’s God. And yes, it seems to me that when we cultivate orgasmic energy, we offer it into that Infinite, we offer it to God…I sense that the more pleasure we generate in our bodies and on Earth, the more the Infinite vibrates with love.”

For the next two hours, we put theory into practice. We created a ritual space with incense, music, and candles. With slowness and reverence, we touched each other's bodies, maintaining conscious communication throughout. We practiced extending pleasure, tapping into its infinite nature, and offering sacred orgasmic energy up to the divine. The experience was transcendent. In the moment of climax, I experienced my 'little death,' and for one elusive moment, I felt again a glimmer of that blissful nondual state.

If you've ever stared up into the sky at the stars, felt small, and wondered to yourself: What's the point of all this? Why are we here? Well, me too. A lot. Here’s the understanding I’ve reached:

Beyond our very limited experience of a short life on Earth, identified with the ego and with dual existence, there is a nondual vastness, an infinity, a "God". It's simultaneously enormous and all encompassing, both chaotic and perfectly ordered. In this state, there's nothing to cling to because there's no separate self to do the clinging.

I've come to believe that our purpose here is simple yet profound: to enjoy ourselves as fully as possible. To generate and experience love, peace, passion, and ecstasy in our bodies and hearts, and to offer these vibrations up to the infinite. As we do so, we send ripples of love into the cosmos, which then reflect back to us.

In this cosmic dance of giving and receiving, we find ourselves wrapped in a loving, all-encompassing embrace. And in that embrace, we are perfectly, eternally safe.