Overcoming Shame Around Sex and Intimacy
Overcoming shame around my sexuality has been some of the richest and most rewarding self development work of my life. It’s totally changed who I am and helped me to move through life with more confidence, power, and true joy.
For most people, sexual shame starts early in childhood or adolescence, when we first absorbed negative societal messaging about sexuality. Growing up, my baby boomer parents weren't particularly religious, but they also weren't very sex positive. I was often told to cover up my body as it began to develop into womanhood. Sex was never an acceptable topic for conversation in our home. Taboos like this can instill a sense that our sexual nature is somehow wrong or inappropriate. Religious beliefs, traumatic experiences, and rigid gender roles also understandably contribute to sexual shame for many.
The first step in moving past shame is examining the problematic stories we’ve internalized over the years. One of the stories I had internalized by the time I reached my late twenties was a myth that women weren't supposed to prioritize sexual pleasure. Notions like these were created to control, not empower our authentic sexuality. As I delved into the world of sexual healing, it became clear that prioritizing my sexual pleasure was absolutely key to living an empowered and joyful life.
The next step in the journey is getting really clear on what you personally want and need physically, emotionally, and spiritually when it comes to sexuality and intimacy. For me, attending tantra trainings and immersing in sex positive community helped me uncover my deepest truths in these areas. Owning your desires free of shame is so liberating!
I remember how vulnerable I felt the first time I shared my authentic sexual desires with a partner. I was nervous to tell him I wanted us to focus more on foreplay and creative lovemaking sessions rather than goal-oriented sex. His supportive, non-judgemental response set the tone for many more open and vulnerable conversations. If you have sexual shame, I recommend starting with lower risk topics and progressing as trust and comfort continue to build.
The main ways I've healed my own sexual shame over the years are:
Establishing relationships only with sex positive, emotionally intelligent partners who embrace all of who I am
Immersing myself in sex positive communities where I could observe healthy role models (polyamorous community lends itself well for this!)
Continuing tantra training and working privately with therapists & coaches
Prioritizing self-pleasure and using it as a pathway of healing
The journey of overcoming sexual shame requires great courage, compassion, and persistence. But as you peel back layers of old limitations, and start experiencing intimacy free from unnecessary inhibitions, you unlock your capacity for sexual fulfillment beyond what you imagined possible. It has absolutely been one of the most rewarding journeys of my life.
Curious to chat more about this? Book a video date with me. It’s truly one of my most favorite topics!