What’s Your Attachment Style?
I’m often complimented on how “secure” I seem to be, and told that this is what makes spending time with me feel so nourishing. And it’s true, I do identify as having a “secure attachment style.” Attachment theory is a fascinating lens to view life and relationships with. If you aren’t familiar with it, I encourage you to read this blog post where I break it down. You’re likely to hear me bring up attachment theory when we get together for a date.
Our earliest relationships shape how we connect with others throughout our lives. Attachment theory, first proposed by John Bowlby in the 1960s, suggests that the bonds we form with our primary caregivers as infants impact our expectations and behaviors in relationships as adults. There are three main attachment styles:
Anxious Attachment: People with an anxious attachment style often experienced inconsistent caregiving as children. As a result, they crave intimacy but also fear abandonment or rejection. In relationships, anxiously attached individuals tend to seek excessive closeness, requiring constant reassurance about their partner's love. They are prone to jealousy, may come across as needy or clingy, and have difficulty trusting that their partner genuinely cares for them.
Avoidant Attachment: Avoidantly attached individuals equate intimacy with a loss of independence. They commonly experienced unresponsive or rejecting caregivers in childhood. As adults, they are uncomfortable with emotional closeness and have difficulty depending on partners. They prize self-sufficiency, struggle to connect emotionally, and may view relationships as secondary. When feeling unsafe, avoidants tend to withdraw.
Secure Attachment: People with secure attachment usually had responsive, attuned caregivers. They are comfortable expressing affection and are not worried about rejection or preoccupied with the relationship. Secures can balance intimacy and independence, communicate their needs effectively, and provide partners with emotional support. They handle relationship conflict constructively by compromising and promptly resolving issues.
Why Does Attachment Matter? Knowing your attachment pattern offers insight into your needs and behaviors in relationships. It can help you understand why you react certain ways under stress and identify potential areas for growth. Focusing on developing a secure attachment is worthwhile, as secures tend to have happier, longer-lasting relationships.
Steps to Develop Secure Attachment:
Become aware of your attachment style and track it in your relationships
Practice communicating your desires and needs assertively
Challenge your own negative beliefs about relationships
Don't tolerate poor treatment from avoidant attachers
If you are anxious, focus on self care and self regulation
Seek an emotionally intelligent, securely attached partner or companion.
Consider working with a therapist.
Surround yourself with healthy role models
Practice releasing your fears of intimacy and abandonment
Our attachment styles stem from childhood but we can adopt new patterns. With self-awareness, commitment, and support, you can develop healthier, secure bonds. This will equip you to create fulfilling relationships and approach life's journey with an open heart.
I hope you found this simple guide to attachment theory helpful! While there’s so much more to say and much more nuance to the concept, this should help you understand the basics. I hope to discuss attachment theory with you sometime soon over a video, lunch, or dinner date!